New Ways to Monitor Kids

If you haven’t noticed, a lot of Americans are screaming bloody murder about government involvement in our lives. Just look at the health care debate.

But consider this: Bari Lynne Williams, who was arrested for drunk driving, wears a government-imposed ankle bracelet that monitors her blood alcohol levels, reports The Washington Post. There seems to be one good reason for this:

It’s cheaper to keep Bari working than incarcerated for $150 a day. In fact, Bari pays for the $12 a day biometric anklet.

With states struggling to cut budgets and laying off prison guards, it’s hard to argue with their logic. And at least the ankle bracelet is only being used on convicted offenders.

It’s just a little bit spooky, though, when you consider how else biometrics could be used. How many parents would love to stick an alcohol-sensing bracelet on party-going kids?

While it’s already possible to monitor a child’s location via a phone’s GPS, why stop there? How about embedding a chip under the skin?

I’m sure it’s just a matter of time before market-hungry companies come up with additional devices:

  • Have a promiscuous child? Build a device that monitors sexual arousal! (Of course such a device may never work with always-aroused teen boys.) Regardless, the device should come complete with remote for sending electrical shocks.
  • All parents need a device that monitors when your teen is lying.
  • Another monitor might reveal when your child is overeating or puking up a meal.
  • An excitement monitor could be used to determine when kids are playing video games.
  • A Vitamin D monitor can watch for when children are spending too much time in the sun.
  • Nicotine, marijuana and coke monitors are absolutely essential parent tools.

Have other great ways to monitor your kids? Post ’em in the comments.

6 thoughts on “New Ways to Monitor Kids

  1. Mark S

    I want a monitor that simply detects an elevated pulse, and it sends out a signal to activate the TV, Computers and Video games only after it has detected that their little hearts are beating hard for a minimum of 45m a day.
    I don’t want to have monitors that tell me things that I have to then worry about and act on. My hair is already falling out fast enough. But “set and forget” types of monitors that enforce things for me, that’s a real parental helper.

    Reply
  2. AJ

    I’ll go for a pair of earpods.
    There’s a string of Doctor Who episodes that establish (Bluetooth-looking) earpods as a means to deliver data into a brain and/or turn a person into a mindless zombie who walks to the nearest conversion chamber to have their brain implanted into a Cyberman (robot).
    That sort of gadget would come in handy when managing a rambunctious child.

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